August 15, 2016

Let Yourself Grieve What Was Lost

“The abused child has much to mourn. She grieves the loss of the family she would have wanted, and the safe, warm love that family is supposed to represent. She grieves lost hopes, lost safety, lost innocence. She grieves her childhood. And she grieves the view of the world as a safe place.”

“Secret Survivors” by E. Sue Blume

This quote is so powerful to me. So many verbal, emotional, and/or sexual abuse survivors have lost so much. Family was not a safe place to find out who they were or what they wanted to be. The encouragement was lacking in relationship and the boundaries were crossed, making them doubt their voice, lose what made them special, and create a guarded fear of what COULD happen next. This is great loss at the very foundations of our womanhood, leaving us vulnerable to the lies of Satan, the manipulation of people, and the doubting of our dreams concerning a mate, future children, and our purpose in the greater world in which we finds ourselves.

Mourning is an acknowledgement that something great was lost and can never be recovered – you cannot live backward or re-do life. It wasn’t under our control – it happened to us at the freewill of other people’s choices to make their needs greater than our own. It is a death of “what if”, “normal”, and “healthy”. Skipping over it is as devastating to our souls as not attending our closest friend’s funeral because it hurts too much. It is not allowing the loss to hurt, to sink deep into our souls, and let the Lord do the heart work necessary to heal and really move forward to the abundant life His Word speaks of.


He made us for more than the brokenness forced on us. In His mercifully, loving way, He will use this grieving process to purge the need for the approval of others, and help us to embrace HIS accepting, unconditional love, grace, and truth found in Him alone through Christ. It is an acceptance of the reality that the earth is a broken place in need of His salvation. This acceptance enables us to release the hurt and entrust it to Him who judges justly, restoring His original image in us as we trust Him to do so.


So do not listen to those who glibly say, “You are saved in Christ, the past is gone, the new has come.” The statement itself is true, but it can only be truly embraced and lived out of when you have walked the valley of death with your Lord and let Him touch the hurt with His holy, healing power. Christ calls us to live out of His grace AND truth.

Step one: Make a list of everything lost that has handicapped you for living the life you wished had been.

Step two: Let yourself grieve all this – sit with the Lord and cry. He cries with you. He knows. He cares.

Step Three: Stand up and walk forward with Him, finding your voice and discovering who He created and saved you to be.


Then, and only then, will you be able to confront broken things with courage, learn to establish healthy boundaries with others, and let Him show you what is next as you emerge from grief into His healing present and hope-filled future.


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Want to know how to do this? Let me walk the valley with you, showing you how to grieve and then embrace all He has for you from your ashes to HIS beauty!

5 Comments on “Let Yourself Grieve What Was Lost

[…] I carried into their world that created hurts for them moving forward. It is a loss that must be grieved by both parties so healing can happen. And I am praying that healing does indeed happen – in […]

Melinda Viergever Inman
August 16, 2016 at 8:18 am

This is one of the best things you’ve ever written, dear friend. Well done! This is very encouraging, even decades later. Thank you!

August 16, 2016 at 8:28 am

Thank you! I don’t know what to say. I saw the quote and the words seemed to pour out as if the Lord had something to say THROUGH me. I feel blessed that He let me speak it in words. It made me cry that you were so encouraged. It is what my heart longs for when I write. 😘

August 15, 2016 at 12:19 pm

I have re-read the above several times gleaning something new each time. Each sentence holds so much truth. I believe this is also true of something else that happened in my life: my husband’s betrayal and adultery. After this event happened, I felt an innocence and dream and hope and all that I’d believed in him and our marriage, was gone. Over. Dead. It is a very very sad thing to go through. Even though we built something new in our marriage, and I have forgiven, that pain and loss will stay with me in this life. I truly believe it would have been easier to have walked away and divorced, rather than stay and build something new. This is definitely not something I think much about at this point, but the memory is there and the reading of this post reminded me of that time.

August 16, 2016 at 12:32 am

Love that the Lord used this in your life. Loss can be made new in Him, but it is still loss. What gleaning was the most helpful to you and why? Love ya!!!

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