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June 13, 2016

If I Don’t Smile You’ll Ask Me what’s Wrong and I Don’t Have Energy for That…

I had had one of those weeks. A week where anything that could go wrong, did. Anyone who could let me down, did their job perfectly. The car needed a repair the budget didn’t have. The teacher called me in to talk about why our kid was not doing well in school. My husband was frustrated with my inability to relax and enjoy intimacy – AGAIN – for the third time this week.

I get up for church. The morning proceeds as the week has gone – dreadfully. My husband rolls over – interested – and my stomach does a flip as I make an excuse and roll out of bed saying I need to get a shower, get the kids up, and we can’t be late for church. I can see the disappointment in his eyes as I grab my robe and walk out and down the hall to the bathroom to start another day in ANOTHER discouraging week.

What must GOD be thinking?

The kids get up and argue about what is in the cupboard for breakfast. My son can’t find his shoes. I walk in and pick them up from under a pile of dirty clothes. My daughter asks if she can go to a friends house after church and I snap at her and tell her no. Why? Because we just need to get to church!

“Everyone grab your Bibles and go get in the car – NOW!”

My husband is already out in the car, warming it up on this frigid January morning. My heart feels like the day – near shattering from the cold ache of what is just not right. The drive to church is equally icy inside the car – even with the heat blowing warm air.

I arrive at church and head to Sunday School class, making sure the kids are going where they need to go, finding out one of them forgot their Bible. It is then I encounter a person in the hall. The first thought that comes to mind is,

“If I Don’t Smile You’ll Ask Me What’s Wrong and I Don’t Have Energy for That…”

 

I smile, say I am fine, and I make my way to class. I sit and  listen to the lesson. The room is full of others who act like their week was much better than mine. If anyone catches my gaze, I smile. It is easier this way…

“I am on the edge of tears. Lord, I CANNOT do this another week, let alone another day! Something has got to give…”

I go to service, sing, smile some more, chat with a few people, walk out of church, get in the car, and head home, filled with dread that the coming week will be no different than last week…and even less hope that anyone even realizes how close to breaking I really am. All the riches of God’s grace and truth are available to me, but I have lost hope of anything EVER changing – of ME ever changing.

“There has to be MORE, Jesus!!! Please show me there is more! Please help me believe that You can change me and my tomorrow and next week. I am desperate for hope! I NEED YOU!!!”

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YES?! My heart for you is that you would know and experience the hope that enables you to once again believe God’s promises are true and worth giving Him another chance!

2 Comments on “If I Don’t Smile You’ll Ask Me what’s Wrong and I Don’t Have Energy for That…

Krystal
June 14, 2016 at 1:50 pm

I have found myself for awhile on this tiring and horrible wheel. Going around and around. Becoming overwhelmed from everything and everyone. Draining myself until there’s nothing left. But, God is there whispering in my ear telling me to stop, to just be still. To give it all over to him. I find when I finally collapse into the arms of our loving father he calms the storm that has been stirring in my soul. And every time I ask myself why did I wait so long? Why do I keep thinking I can do this thing we call life all on my own. Then I realize that I have lost hope when I have stopped running to the one who is my only hope. My hopes of living a life pleasing and glorifying to the Lord. My hopes of having a godly marriage and being a good example for my children. These hopes I have found have been ruling me into a state of non – stop doing and thinking I have to DO in order to please and glorify God. Forgetting that my relationship with him and others is what pleases him and brings him glory and honor. NOT the amount I get done or what I’m getting done but rather how I’m doing those things and my heart towards the Lord and others in admist of life and doing. But I have found this is my daily struggle and a strain not only on myself but my marriage 🙁

Kristin Robinson
June 14, 2016 at 4:41 pm

Thank you so much for sharing your heart here. Losing hope in our ability to change or make change occur can be so disabling to our faith in the the One who makes us able and transforms us for His glory. How can I be a support in your journey to restored hope in Him? Hugs.

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