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June 13, 2016

If I Don’t Smile You’ll Ask Me what’s Wrong and I Don’t Have Energy for That…

I had had one of those weeks. A week where anything that could go wrong, did. Anyone who could let me down, did their job perfectly. The car needed a repair the budget didn’t have. The teacher called me in to talk about why our kid was not doing well in school. My husband was frustrated with my inability to relax and enjoy intimacy – AGAIN – for the third time this week.

I get up for church. The morning proceeds as the week has gone – dreadfully. My husband rolls over – interested – and my stomach does a flip as I make an excuse and roll out of bed saying I need to get a shower, get the kids up, and we can’t be late for church. I can see the disappointment in his eyes as I grab my robe and walk out and down the hall to the bathroom to start another day in ANOTHER discouraging week.

What must GOD be thinking?

The kids get up and argue about what is in the cupboard for breakfast. My son can’t find his shoes. I walk in and pick them up from under a pile of dirty clothes. My daughter asks if she can go to a friends house after church and I snap at her and tell her no. Why? Because we just need to get to church!

“Everyone grab your Bibles and go get in the car – NOW!”

My husband is already out in the car, warming it up on this frigid January morning. My heart feels like the day – near shattering from the cold ache of what is just not right. The drive to church is equally icy inside the car – even with the heat blowing warm air.

I arrive at church and head to Sunday School class, making sure the kids are going where they need to go, finding out one of them forgot their Bible. It is then I encounter a person in the hall. The first thought that comes to mind is,

“If I Don’t Smile You’ll Ask Me What’s Wrong and I Don’t Have Energy for That…”

 

I smile, say I am fine, and I make my way to class. I sit and  listen to the lesson. The room is full of others who act like their week was much better than mine. If anyone catches my gaze, I smile. It is easier this way…

“I am on the edge of tears. Lord, I CANNOT do this another week, let alone another day! Something has got to give…”

I go to service, sing, smile some more, chat with a few people, walk out of church, get in the car, and head home, filled with dread that the coming week will be no different than last week…and even less hope that anyone even realizes how close to breaking I really am. All the riches of God’s grace and truth are available to me, but I have lost hope of anything EVER changing – of ME ever changing.

“There has to be MORE, Jesus!!! Please show me there is more! Please help me believe that You can change me and my tomorrow and next week. I am desperate for hope! I NEED YOU!!!”

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YES?! My heart for you is that you would know and experience the hope that enables you to once again believe God’s promises are true and worth giving Him another chance!

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